So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
