24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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