I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
