I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
