Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
