I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize