What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
