My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
