Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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