I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
