Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
