I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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