I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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