I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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