There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She bit a glass in half.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
