my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
