I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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