I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
