what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
