I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
