i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize