No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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