Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
