I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize