I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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