I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
