he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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