I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
