Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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