just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
