You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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