time to smoke my breakfast
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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