I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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