sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
