the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
