That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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