If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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