I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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