I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize