I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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