OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
