That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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