girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
