Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
