my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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