you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
