i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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