I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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