why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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