Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
