the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
