Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
