hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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