just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
