Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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