There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
