I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
