THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
