My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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