His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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