Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
