there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
third nipple confirmed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
