Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
