I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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