when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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