his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
