Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
