Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
