Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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