He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
