did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
