If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
