mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
