You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
