The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
