so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize