Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
