You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize