I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just cropdusted the office
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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