I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
