This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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