you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
