At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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