Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
