So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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