respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
