we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
